Bell's Palsy 1 - Me 0

I'm at the the 3 week stage with Bell's Palsy.

Bell's Palsy 1 ~ Me - 0

Not sure how I feel about this whole thing. It has been 3 weeks & it is difficult to say whether I see any real improvement. But I wouldn't, would I? Or should I?

Yep. Welcome to my World. A world where no one can actually say how long this will last; whether I should see improve or not; how this came about; what to expect. It's a world filled with questions but no one has the answers. My doctor stares blankly at me when I ask if this is normal? If I can do anything to help the recovery? Hello? Are you even listening???

Yes. The she is listening. And has no idea what is happening or why. Helpful!!??!?!?!

She tells me it is too early to expect change. Um, yeah. She tells me we need to wait and see. Really?! She tells me that Bell's Palsy is a strange, misunderstood condition that remains so because in the larger scheme of things...."it doesn't kill people, or leave them permanently disabled; so there isn't the research or time put into understanding it" Well that's comforting.

I get it. I understand that there are more serious conditions out there. I have family and friends that have dealt with life-changing, life -threatening illnesses & cancers. I am forever grateful to the medical community and research foundations that have discovered new treatments that have saved them. But the selfish part of me says.....'Wait a minute! I have a medical condition too! And NO ONE has any real idea why or how or what it is" I can't help but be a little frustrated and quite honestly, a little scared.

What's to say this won't get better. And if it does, will I get it again? Because at this point no one knows how I got it in the first place!!

And around in circles we go.......

Yesterday I went to Parker's Softball game - as many of you know, he is in the military, so the softball game was a squadron to squadron friendly - and it was a strange experience.

Everyone knows me. Well, most people Parker works with know me. And at this point they know about my BP. It was all friendly smiles; well wishes; words of support and most importantly, not asking at all.....treating like they would in any other situation. Awesome. What an awesome military family.
However, I did learn a few things....some good....some not so good.

• Some people (I feel it important to say they were strangers, not part of the sq.) were not so understanding. Watching me talk and mimicking what, or HOW I was talking was NOT OK. I was immediately defensive and felt the need to leave. I didn't of course. Screw them. 
• No pity. I don't want your pity. And thank you to all who wished me well....but showed no pity. It's hard enough to be social sometimes, without the looks of pity. I pity the fool who tries it. 
• I can't participate as I wish I could. I'm not a great softball player.....but I do love to try. It was frustrating to realize that at this moment I can't. High impact exercise just aggravates the muscles in my face & leaves me with a painful wonky smile. Grrrr. 
• I can't drink from a water fountain. Or a sports bottle. Forgot my straws. 

Yesterday I was feeling a little disappointed and mildly frustrated.

Yesterday it was Bell's Palsy One .....Me - Nada.

Today I intend on winning one for the team.

Today it will be BP - One ..... Me - One.

I'm a Pinata.

Fuck this shit.

Such a helpful & comprehensive adjective....noun......word. I believe that it can be overused and therefore lose some of its power. So with any 'good' thing, we should ensure we use it or partake in its pleasure sparingly; as not to overindulge and possibly lose some of its meaning.

Fucking shit.

And why, do you ask, am I using this term - a term that is often classified as vulgar and maligned by so many? Simple, really. It is the only thing I can think of to describe my current emotional state and thereby do it justice.

I am in Day 11 of Bell's Palsy & I'm ready to be done. Seriously. This is enough.

• Minor changes in face. I have an eyebrow! I suppose the threat of the tweezers was enough for my eyebrow to get with the program. I briefly contemplated plucking the affected eyebrow to show some mock illusion of being arched. My eyebrow seemed to sense my poor decision-making abilities and fell into line. 
• Decreased swelling of my affected side. Apparently it got bored on the left and moved to the right. What do they say....' a change is as good as a vacation?"......I certainly don't want the palsy to be bored and unhappy. So now I have a slight swelling on the right side. Awesome. 
• Pain. I haz it. Apparently, my nerves are having a party and I'm the pinata. I figure I shouldn't be concerned unless candy starts coming out of my ear. 

** The pain has become a very real & very tiring new symptom. The word on the street is ( and my street I mean the infinite wisdom of medical-types ), that this is a common recovery situation. OK. That doesn't help me when I am trying to sleep, move, eat, talk or do anything that requires movement or consciousness. UNHELPFUL!

• Wonky Smile is gradually becoming Semi- Wonky. That's a good thing, right? I can honestly say I will miss this little smile. Last call! You don't have to go home...but ya can't stay here. 
• Talking was more difficult yesterday; a little like listening to a female Sly Stallone. Unpleasant but strangely hypnotic. A train wreck you can't look away from. 
• Soap eyeballs mastered. It may take me 30 mins to shower but I am no longer crumpling to the ground with soap in the eye; or running at the shower door (closed shower door); or swearing at myself for washing my eye with soap. It only took me 10 days, five wash cloths, several eye washes & a damaged ego to remember the EYE DOESN'T SHUT, GENIUS.
• Eating and drinking remains the same. Straws, a spoon and napkins. Cue Laughter. 

My final thought for today.

This pain needs to ease up. Last night was unpleasant. I don't CARE that it is just my nerves reconnecting, or re-generating, or re-......whatever they are doing. My face is NOT a pinata. I do not contain candy. And your face. *private joke*

I think I can safely say; I Blame The PALSY.

Fucking. Fuck.

Camera....Action...Bell's!!

A little video blog experiment!

Enjoy!

Bells and Whistles

Day 9 - Bells and Whistles.

After awhile you forget what if feels like; how did your face react or feel like before? Is your face really showing signs of improvement? Or is that just a trick of the light or your face just relaxing enough to show a small sign of life?

This is Day Nine. And I will update with questions. Question asked by people I know & questions that buzz around in my head all day. Welcome to my World......


What are my limitations?
I sometimes feel like a fraud. I do not have a life-threatening illness; I am not handicapped; I am not disabled. But yet, I am unable to do the simplest things.....normally. I feel a little trapped as a result.

Example - Reading. I am a full time student; or I was until this hit me. Reading is a necessary evil of all college work, but even more so for a distance, online learner. EVERYTHING is read. However, due to a wonky eye -( that opens, but does not shut without significant effort on my part ) - my eye waters badly, thus blurring my vision and causing double-vision. The strain on my eye; the constant re-focusing; the tearing.....all causes me to become overly frustrated and resulting in pain.

But I suppose I feel because no one else can truly understand or see the pain and dysfunction within I am a fraud. Whatever.

Changes in my condition?

I am experiencing more pain in my face. It feels as if I have gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. It is a strange sensation. Imagine being hit in the face and you feel swelling and bruising but no discoloration. That's how it feels. The littlest touch to my face causes discomfort. Applying makeup or lotion is an exercise in patience and pain tolerance.
My eye doesn't seem to be damaged. The main concern for Bell's Palsy suffers is the cornea becoming dry & scratched, which in turn, will cause permanent damage to the cornea and sight.
Eating and drinking are easier...I think. Either that or I have become used to using straws, covering my mouth when I eat and using small spoons instead of large forks to shovel food into my face.
I still tire easily.  Although I want to keep going.....my body tells me I am tired and my face becomes irritated & painful.....so I have to rest. SIGH.
Talking becomes tiring after a while. I think my wonky side becomes swollen and the opposite side becomes overworked....resulting in a slurring, drooling mess that is not easily understood.

What is my general mood today?

Despite the absence of my usual humor, I am ok. I can't let this get me down. I won't let this get me down. I'm in it for the long haul; and with that I can't allow myself to become so easily downtrodden or hopeless. There are people in this world that suffer worse fates, illness and condition than my own.

Wonky Smile keeps smiling. Pass the bib. 

Wonky maybe.....but still smilin'

This me.

Cunningly Photoshopped.

Which side do you think is affected?

Yeah.

It's me & my Wonky Smile.

Day Eight -

Right now I am thinking about how I can word how I'm feeling..... 

Not much I can say today. 

I am still working on this blog - but I have noticed some interest; so I felt it necessary to say something. There might be some lurkers; maybe dealing with The Palsy too....looking, as I did for answers; for someone to say 'Hey! Me too!! Tell about it...because sometimes, no one understands.".

I do. I'm here. In the vast, strange world of cyber blogging....I'm here. Don't be shy. 

Show me your beautiful WONKY SMILE!!!! 

I'm still here. Smiling. 

As for my update....I'll keep it short....for today.....it's been a long one. 

• I still have a wonky smile. No improvement there. 
• I have pain on the affected side. No fun when applying the daily makeup. WHAT? Just because I have Bell's Palsy doesn't mean I can't look my best! :)
• Eating and drinking is still a challenge but I make do 
• Tightness of the jaw and eye muscles. Not sure about that....need to talk with the doc. 
• My spirits are good. It takes more than this to get me down. You can't let it win. 

Talk to me lurkers!!! I know you are there!

Until next time
Wonky Smile....Signing out.

First Impressions

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

I have been a Blogger for some time & I thought I would add a new addition to my Blogging Family - this blog will represent a daily record of what I am experiencing as I deal with Bell's Palsy.

I don't know how long I will be dealing with this; but for as long as I do - I will try and make a faithful record of my experiences.

At some point this blog will be linked with my main page....so Stay tuned and Enjoy!